the condom got lost in my hair
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
