i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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