Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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