Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my being single is dangerous.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
