I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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