eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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