I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
