I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
