He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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