We won't sleep together?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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