I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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