It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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