You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize