i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
