My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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