Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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