I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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