k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All the doctor said was why
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
