The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
