Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
