I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
