omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
