My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
