Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
