my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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