Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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