this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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