Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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