Just fell off a train. Bad.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
