the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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