I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
