like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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