Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
