to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
