i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I'm really busy with my period
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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