If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
