Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
