Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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