He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
