its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
