i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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