she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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