Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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