i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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