Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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