There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
