Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
