When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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