saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
