I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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