Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
