On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
